Self Doubt - Am I doing enough?

In my younger years I was a force to be reckoned with. I pretty much thought I could do anything, be anything, I could learn anything I needed to. I had so much confidence in myself and my abilities. And then something happened. The exact moment self-doubt started to creep into my life, I cannot tell. I believe it was a combination of my stroke/brain surgery experience and the struggle of being a new mom.

Both experiences exposed my flaws and shattered the perfectionist I had created. For so long my identity was centered around being perfect, or as close to perfect as I could be. I didn’t allow myself room for mistakes, and I often placed these very high expectations on others not even realizing it.  I judged other people on a high level because I used the same standards to judge myself. This served me well in my younger years, even up to 30. I received praise, promotions and my achiever competitiveness soaked it all in.

The problem with this is--I started to equate my self-worth with perfection. Even little mistakes at work ate-away at me. I would over analyze things and quite frankly beat myself up about them. After brain surgery when my memory wasn’t as great, I got a little harder on myself. I was determined to overcome my stroke and brain surgery and not let it define me--so much so that I tried to prevent any mistakes from happening. I was high-strung trying to achieve this level of perfect.  

Fast forward to giving birth. I knew that I was going to be a perfect mom. I was going to breast-feed for a year. I was never going to have the TV on. I would make my own organic baby food. I read all the books. I was prepared. And then I actually had a baby…two weeks early. One thing did go as planned. All my working out paid off, and I pushed Mia out in 6 pushes.

And then none of it really went the way that I thought. Mia had an infection soon after being born which meant giving her antibiotics early on. That’s when the crying started. She never latched, which meant I had to pump, and the glorious images of me at peace breastfeeding never materialized. I killed myself to wake-up before she did so I could pump and give her breast milk. At most I maybe got 2 hours of consecutive sleep. She was also a horrible sleeper--and we tried every conceivable thing to help her sleep more & cry less. (you are probably wondering, oh I wondered if they tried _____yes we tried that too). The crying continued. I devoured all blogs, books, AAP websites, and I grew irritated with the well meaning suggestions of others. Baby-wearing was a big thing at the time. Not for Mia. Nope. Mia hated to face inward in a carrier. We tried at least 5 different carriers, and she disliked them all. 

The images I had of myself strolling the streets with her swaddled to my chest and stopping to feed her with ease were crushed. This was not the picture of postpartum I had imagined. I was SUPPOSED TO be the carefree picture of new motherhood bliss. All the things I had envisioned didn’t come to pass. I felt defeated.       I was good at all things dammit, why didn't this going easily and naturally the way it seemed to be for others???

When I went back to work, Mia was still not a good sleeper. I was tired. My work no longer defined my life. I wasn’t perfect at home, and I wasn’t perfect in my job. Who was I then? I let self-doubt creep into my life all around. I started to let these “mistakes” define who I was. I saw myself as broken somehow because it turned out I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was. At least that is what I saw at first.

It has taken a while (almost 3 years), but I’m starting to see the lessons in it all. Perfection is not obtainable.  Defining ourselves that way is impossible and holding others to that standard is not fair either. Having standards and goals to reach for are wonderful, but they alone do not define a person. How someone handles stumbles, how many times they get back up and learn from their mistakes—that is what defines true character.

And through it all, I have learned grace and humility. I have learned that I need to ask for help, and that doesn’t mean that I am weak. It means that I know my own limits--that I can trust others enough to rely on them for support. Most importantly, I can teach my daughter to be kind to herself and that the goal in life is not perfection. 

Making Time for YOU

I'm sorry what? As a mom, it's okay to have time for yourself, and I should not feel guilty about it? At first those two concepts could not co-exist in my life. Good mom = spending all your time with your child and loving every minute of it. Well that's just impossible to obtain. That standard is guaranteed to set you up for failure. I had to realize that the phrase "happy mom = happy family" is very true. It took me a while to get there. When I started taking time for myself to get away, I became a better mom. Only when our whole-selves are complete can we give fully to others. As a complete person we can help our children be complete. We teach them that taking time for yourself is important. They grow up learning to value themselves and to make time to care for themselves.

For me, I learned to carve out time to get a pedicure, massage or just go to the store. I allowed myself to go out after work with friends and minimize the guilt. I found that when I did these things I was renewed. I had more patience with my daughter which actually helped our relationship to thrive. When I saw this correlation I was slowly able to push the mom guilt aside.

Often times we know theoretically it's good for us to take time for ourselves, but we have a hard time actually committing and riding those guilty thoughts. I am lucky that I have a wonderfully supportive husband who gives me this time, who encourages me to do things for myself. He helps me not to feel guilty and even pushes me to do things for myself. His love and support make it possible. Even if you don't have a husband, pick a friend or loved one that supports and encourages self-care. 

At this point some may be thinking, "I know all these things, but I don't know if I can do it," or "I feel guilty." Just start simple. Take time to walk around the block. Take a long shower and time to actually get ready. Let your spouse take over bedtime. Make a standing appointment with another mom or friend who needs the same thing. Investing others in our endeavors keeps us accountable. Whatever you do, just make it something for just you, something that you enjoy. All it takes is the first step. 

My next step is finding consistent time for myself to exercise. This has been a constant battle for me, especially during the workweek. Work eats up much of my time, and any additional free time during the week I usually dedicate to my daughter. I've gotten on exercise kicks here and there but it's been a struggle to make it a constant in my life in motherhood. I was so great at it pre-child and throughout pregnancy. The struggle is real people. 

Here's to forgiving ourselves and moving forward. Take this season to fall in love with 'me' time and do something to feed your soul. We are all deserving of self-love.

Changing Seasons. Changing Self & Mindfulness

Stillness. Quiet. Reflection

When you take time to sit in the quiet moments of the forest, you realize YOU are enough. Others who don't recognize that are missing out on all you have to offer. 

Your friendship is not for them at that moment and that's okay. Save your love and all that you have to offer to share with those who give back to you. It's funny that when our relationships don't work the way we envision, we automatically feel it's something lacking in us. While taking responsibility is important, it is equally important to recognize your own worth. To recognize that sometimes when we loose someone or something it might not be due to mistakes we made or something that is lacking in us. That really it's time to make space in your life for something greater, for new people to enrich your life, for you to realize your own worth. This is especially hard in our 30's. When many of our friend groups have been established and changes in this area of our life can feel so disruptive. But maybe if we shift our perspective we can see we are simply clearing the soil and creating a space for new things to grow, to enrich our lives and bring new life and beauty that we never imagined. I am ready for fall. For all that was not working in my life to shed. For new blessings to take hold. For my inner beauty to shine bright like the beautiful colors of the season. My season of change. 

Practical Tips & Ways to find stillness everyday:

Need a to Moment to actually think in this busy world? Try mindfulness. The term can be intimating, the concept too hippie for some practical and logical types, but the benefits are amazing. Mindfulness is simply the act of taking time to pause and clear your mind. Easier said than done for many of us. 

Those who practice mindfulness or mediation see decreases in anxiety, stress and depression. They report feeling more calm and in control. The good news is, you don't have to sit for hours and hours. That's not practical for many of us. Studies show just taking 1 min pauses in the day can bring about these benefits. This is stopping to close your eyes, breath deep and clear your mind. For me, I like to think of a peaceful or calm image. Usually it means picturing the waves rolling into shore or imagining a leaf floating down a stream. When your to-do list starts popping up, acknowledge it and say 'ok,' and go back to your image. 

Many medical students and physicians are being taught mindfulness and to practice short pauses throughout the day. And it works. Below are some really practical and helpful links to get started. Just 1 min a day for yourself. You are worth it.  

• http://www.mindful.org/

• http://www.pocketmindfulness.com/6-mindfulness-exercises-you-can-try-today

• https://mindfulminutes.com/