Loneliness

This is a topic that I don’t find a lot of people talking about, but one that I have experienced as a part of adulthood and motherhood. There is a part of this feeling that is simply due to my introverted nature. There is another piece that is simply a matter of feeling alone when we experiences changes in our lives in which those familiar to us are not right there to walk along the path with us. 

Over the years I lost my best ‘girl’ friend. It happened slowly over time, but then I found myself without that one person that you turn to for everything. I do have two very close friends that I treasure dearly – they also happen to be each other’s best friends. And while they still offer me support and offer many wondering things, we don’t see each other too often. There is something powerful about having that person that you can tell anything to without fear for being judged, check-in and connect with you often. I ache for that.

When I became a new mom, I didn’t have many mom friends. It was hard for non-moms to relate and those who did have kids were busy with their own lives. Which left me somewhat isolated. Of course I have a husband who is one of my best friends, but there is something about friendship with another woman who can empathize with the very real and tangible experiences you face day in and day out -- it brings security and comfort. 

For an introvert like myself, I crave deep connection. And while I thoroughly enjoy new friendships and doing things with others casually, what really fills my soul is deep conversation and understanding. I want to relate to others and help them through life, that brings me great joy. It has taken a while for me to realize that about myself. Quality time is one of my love languages, and as I grow older it becomes even more evident. I feel most complete when I can connect with others in a meaningful way. It might be part of why I choose to write this blog. I hope that my words can bring peace or comfort to others, even if it’s only read by a handful of people.

So if you find yourself in a similar space and position in life remember that this is simply a season. Find those you are close to and hug them closer. Thank them for all that they DO give you. We are ever evolving and growing, you never know what new friendship might be strengthening beneath the surface. 

Gratitude

Gratitude. 
Seasonally appropriate no? 
It's that time of the year again when we often take inventory of our lives and the year. We also are given the title of THANKS-GIVING, to give thanks.

The ironic part is often our 'to-do' list around the holiday clouds the real intent of the holiday-apart from that minute we take to post on our Facebook all the things we are thankful for. Then we go back to rushing around to clean the house, cook the foods, feed and dress the kids, wake up early to black Friday shop and sometimes collapse in exhaustion for all the things we are trying to accomplish. Are we really taking that time to give thanks when we try to do it all? And what about the shelter we were going to visit or food we were going to donate-is that getting done too?

I by no means am an expert, but it is a concept I have been thinking about. People don't intend to focus on things other than the meaning of the holiday itself, this present day just makes it more difficult to do so. While we try to do IT ALL we often loose focus. I am very guilty of this.

My parents are divorced. The holidays, especially when I was younger, became more of a complex algorithm of the best strategy to divide my time among all my families, getting married AND then having a child made it even more complicated. I had my immediate dad's family, dad's extended family, mom's family, step dad's family, husband's family all wanting us to join their celebrations. What having a child did give me, was some clarity around intention and living in the moment. When I was so focused on doing everything and being everywhere the very purpose of the holiday was being lost. I wanted to please others and keep to a schedule, I found myself focusing on what we had to do NEXT, rather than enjoy the moment with our loved ones.

But most of all I am looking for a renewed focus on the real purpose of the day. As my daughter grows up I intend to start introducing a service aspect to the holiday; teaching her the importance of doing for others and taking care of the community of people who aren't in a position to care for themselves. I distinctively remember the times I did this in school and with my family. In many ways it shaped who I am today.

In school we would cook for the chicken soup brigade, adopt a family during a holiday and champion food drives.  One year before Christmas my dad took me with him on a simple expedition. He and the school he worked for volunteered to drive their buses and pick up
people from various shelters around town and take them to a church for a holiday dinner and gifts. We sat and had a meal with them. The gratitude they had for this simple gesture was inspiring. There were also many children there who received gifts. Their joy was infectious. I cried. It put my own life into perspective and the need their is in the world to do for others.

In high school my dad took on a second job during the holidays so we could have presents. As a teacher at a private school, he didn't earn much. He wanted to give us a Christmas. I would drive him to UPS after school and pick him up late at night. I saw him exhausted and chilled to the bone. I tried to tell him that he didn't need to put himself through that to give us gifts, and he did anyway. What I gained from that experience has stayed with me for a lifetime. The lessons he gave me are invaluable gifts that can only be received by living that experience. They are the things I give the most Thanks for, and they are the invaluable treasures of my childhood I hope to pass on to my own daughter. May you find your own gratitude this season and spread that joy with others. 

Find my NEW Normal

"How do I get back to this person???"

This was a question that often danced around in my head over the past two years. This picture captures a moment in time where life was easier all the way around, especially when it came to taking time for myself. Never did I imagine that I would struggle through motherhood, particularly with my identify and self-image. The truth is, I've struggled a lot. And it's taken me almost 2 years to accept a new normal. 

This particular post is about accepting my new body and exercise. I exercised and ate well throughout my whole pregnancy. I lifted weights, went to barre and yoga and took spin classes where I could compete (and beat) my husband. I was holding planks and doing ab work until I delivered. In my mind, I was going to bounce back to my old-self in no time. 

Well that didn't happen. There was a baby who wasn't easy and cried A LOT and at some point I had to stop breast feeding, went back to work full-time, bought a house and moved and barely slept all withing the course of 5 months. Needless to say finding my pre-pregnancy body did NOT go as I intended. I was lucky if I could catch some shut eye. And I was REALLY hard on myself for not being what I had envisioned, for not being the person that is pictured here. When I started to make some real headway and progress, I suffered a setback. I was back in the hospital for a mini-stroke. I totally sidelined the pilates work that I was going, doctors orders. New medication that I was prescribed caused me to gain a bunch of weight. I won't lie, it sucked. 

In my mind, I was searching for my body before baby, in all actuality, I was also mourning the loss of time I could dedicated to myself. It wasn't as easy and simple to jump back into my old ways of staying in shape--and the thought of having a stroke again scared me.

What I have come to realize is that I need to find small ways to make changes that are gentle and manageable in order to accomplish my goals of exercise. It was in this process that I started to see a shift in myself. I am no longer trying to get my "pre-baby" body back. Just as I cannot have my pre-baby life back. I am trying to find my NEW self and really just be comfortable with standing in the place I am now. That means, I will never be the person in the picture and trying to obtain that is impossible. I will be better. And the ways in which I define personal success, even in health are different, and that is okay.  

• Instead of setting a goal and charging full-speed ahead, my rate of change needs to adjust. I was trying to run a marathon without any training. And when I was not meeting my target I was being really hard on myself. With this mindset, of course I am going to fail. My time is a very precious resource these days, one that I must spread among many responsibilities and joys. By looking at things through this lens I have actually been able to find consistency and daresay--JOY in working out.  

• My new plan, that I have actually been sticking to, is much simpler. My goal has been to move my body 2 days during the workweek and 1 day during the weekend. This has allowed my schedule to be more flexible. I am not held to a specific class time that if I miss throws off my whole schedule. Also, it helps me to take some dedicated time for myself during the busy workweek.  

• I have also found that I really need to workout in the morning. As much as getting up earlier to walk the dog before going to the gym stinks, there is nothing else in the day (like excuses or unexpected events) to disrupt my workout time.

I am happy to report that I have been keeping with this for 3 weeks now, with the exception of this week when I decide to write about it. Ironic no? This week I have been sick, and I could tell my body needed rest. So I have done just that--that way I can jump back on the horse this weekend and keep the momentum going without letting something derail me. 

Our journeys are personal. What may have worked in the past or for a friend, might not work for you. That's okay. Forgive yourself and find another way that DOES work for you. I know that at some point I will be ready for more. But for right now this is the perfect pace for me. 

Self Doubt - Am I doing enough?

In my younger years I was a force to be reckoned with. I pretty much thought I could do anything, be anything, I could learn anything I needed to. I had so much confidence in myself and my abilities. And then something happened. The exact moment self-doubt started to creep into my life, I cannot tell. I believe it was a combination of my stroke/brain surgery experience and the struggle of being a new mom.

Both experiences exposed my flaws and shattered the perfectionist I had created. For so long my identity was centered around being perfect, or as close to perfect as I could be. I didn’t allow myself room for mistakes, and I often placed these very high expectations on others not even realizing it.  I judged other people on a high level because I used the same standards to judge myself. This served me well in my younger years, even up to 30. I received praise, promotions and my achiever competitiveness soaked it all in.

The problem with this is--I started to equate my self-worth with perfection. Even little mistakes at work ate-away at me. I would over analyze things and quite frankly beat myself up about them. After brain surgery when my memory wasn’t as great, I got a little harder on myself. I was determined to overcome my stroke and brain surgery and not let it define me--so much so that I tried to prevent any mistakes from happening. I was high-strung trying to achieve this level of perfect.  

Fast forward to giving birth. I knew that I was going to be a perfect mom. I was going to breast-feed for a year. I was never going to have the TV on. I would make my own organic baby food. I read all the books. I was prepared. And then I actually had a baby…two weeks early. One thing did go as planned. All my working out paid off, and I pushed Mia out in 6 pushes.

And then none of it really went the way that I thought. Mia had an infection soon after being born which meant giving her antibiotics early on. That’s when the crying started. She never latched, which meant I had to pump, and the glorious images of me at peace breastfeeding never materialized. I killed myself to wake-up before she did so I could pump and give her breast milk. At most I maybe got 2 hours of consecutive sleep. She was also a horrible sleeper--and we tried every conceivable thing to help her sleep more & cry less. (you are probably wondering, oh I wondered if they tried _____yes we tried that too). The crying continued. I devoured all blogs, books, AAP websites, and I grew irritated with the well meaning suggestions of others. Baby-wearing was a big thing at the time. Not for Mia. Nope. Mia hated to face inward in a carrier. We tried at least 5 different carriers, and she disliked them all. 

The images I had of myself strolling the streets with her swaddled to my chest and stopping to feed her with ease were crushed. This was not the picture of postpartum I had imagined. I was SUPPOSED TO be the carefree picture of new motherhood bliss. All the things I had envisioned didn’t come to pass. I felt defeated.       I was good at all things dammit, why didn't this going easily and naturally the way it seemed to be for others???

When I went back to work, Mia was still not a good sleeper. I was tired. My work no longer defined my life. I wasn’t perfect at home, and I wasn’t perfect in my job. Who was I then? I let self-doubt creep into my life all around. I started to let these “mistakes” define who I was. I saw myself as broken somehow because it turned out I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was. At least that is what I saw at first.

It has taken a while (almost 3 years), but I’m starting to see the lessons in it all. Perfection is not obtainable.  Defining ourselves that way is impossible and holding others to that standard is not fair either. Having standards and goals to reach for are wonderful, but they alone do not define a person. How someone handles stumbles, how many times they get back up and learn from their mistakes—that is what defines true character.

And through it all, I have learned grace and humility. I have learned that I need to ask for help, and that doesn’t mean that I am weak. It means that I know my own limits--that I can trust others enough to rely on them for support. Most importantly, I can teach my daughter to be kind to herself and that the goal in life is not perfection. 

Making Time for YOU

I'm sorry what? As a mom, it's okay to have time for yourself, and I should not feel guilty about it? At first those two concepts could not co-exist in my life. Good mom = spending all your time with your child and loving every minute of it. Well that's just impossible to obtain. That standard is guaranteed to set you up for failure. I had to realize that the phrase "happy mom = happy family" is very true. It took me a while to get there. When I started taking time for myself to get away, I became a better mom. Only when our whole-selves are complete can we give fully to others. As a complete person we can help our children be complete. We teach them that taking time for yourself is important. They grow up learning to value themselves and to make time to care for themselves.

For me, I learned to carve out time to get a pedicure, massage or just go to the store. I allowed myself to go out after work with friends and minimize the guilt. I found that when I did these things I was renewed. I had more patience with my daughter which actually helped our relationship to thrive. When I saw this correlation I was slowly able to push the mom guilt aside.

Often times we know theoretically it's good for us to take time for ourselves, but we have a hard time actually committing and riding those guilty thoughts. I am lucky that I have a wonderfully supportive husband who gives me this time, who encourages me to do things for myself. He helps me not to feel guilty and even pushes me to do things for myself. His love and support make it possible. Even if you don't have a husband, pick a friend or loved one that supports and encourages self-care. 

At this point some may be thinking, "I know all these things, but I don't know if I can do it," or "I feel guilty." Just start simple. Take time to walk around the block. Take a long shower and time to actually get ready. Let your spouse take over bedtime. Make a standing appointment with another mom or friend who needs the same thing. Investing others in our endeavors keeps us accountable. Whatever you do, just make it something for just you, something that you enjoy. All it takes is the first step. 

My next step is finding consistent time for myself to exercise. This has been a constant battle for me, especially during the workweek. Work eats up much of my time, and any additional free time during the week I usually dedicate to my daughter. I've gotten on exercise kicks here and there but it's been a struggle to make it a constant in my life in motherhood. I was so great at it pre-child and throughout pregnancy. The struggle is real people. 

Here's to forgiving ourselves and moving forward. Take this season to fall in love with 'me' time and do something to feed your soul. We are all deserving of self-love.

Changing Seasons. Changing Self & Mindfulness

Stillness. Quiet. Reflection

When you take time to sit in the quiet moments of the forest, you realize YOU are enough. Others who don't recognize that are missing out on all you have to offer. 

Your friendship is not for them at that moment and that's okay. Save your love and all that you have to offer to share with those who give back to you. It's funny that when our relationships don't work the way we envision, we automatically feel it's something lacking in us. While taking responsibility is important, it is equally important to recognize your own worth. To recognize that sometimes when we loose someone or something it might not be due to mistakes we made or something that is lacking in us. That really it's time to make space in your life for something greater, for new people to enrich your life, for you to realize your own worth. This is especially hard in our 30's. When many of our friend groups have been established and changes in this area of our life can feel so disruptive. But maybe if we shift our perspective we can see we are simply clearing the soil and creating a space for new things to grow, to enrich our lives and bring new life and beauty that we never imagined. I am ready for fall. For all that was not working in my life to shed. For new blessings to take hold. For my inner beauty to shine bright like the beautiful colors of the season. My season of change. 

Practical Tips & Ways to find stillness everyday:

Need a to Moment to actually think in this busy world? Try mindfulness. The term can be intimating, the concept too hippie for some practical and logical types, but the benefits are amazing. Mindfulness is simply the act of taking time to pause and clear your mind. Easier said than done for many of us. 

Those who practice mindfulness or mediation see decreases in anxiety, stress and depression. They report feeling more calm and in control. The good news is, you don't have to sit for hours and hours. That's not practical for many of us. Studies show just taking 1 min pauses in the day can bring about these benefits. This is stopping to close your eyes, breath deep and clear your mind. For me, I like to think of a peaceful or calm image. Usually it means picturing the waves rolling into shore or imagining a leaf floating down a stream. When your to-do list starts popping up, acknowledge it and say 'ok,' and go back to your image. 

Many medical students and physicians are being taught mindfulness and to practice short pauses throughout the day. And it works. Below are some really practical and helpful links to get started. Just 1 min a day for yourself. You are worth it.  

• http://www.mindful.org/

• http://www.pocketmindfulness.com/6-mindfulness-exercises-you-can-try-today

• https://mindfulminutes.com/

Anxiety & Admitting things aren't perfect

Postpartum anxiety. The silent sister of the largely talked about postpartum depression. I had it, and it took a long time for me to recognize it, to admit it. I've rarely told ANYONE, even my closest friends. So why share something so personal now in a public forum? I wish there were more people who were brave enough to share their stories and their struggles. I often felt that I was the only one who didn't feel blissfully happy. I was one of the few who couldn't find the time to work, care for my child, make homemade baby food, enroll her in music classes while also finding time for my social life and finding my pre-pregnancy body. 

So other new moms don't feel inadequate if they aren't doing all 100 million things. I want new moms to know it gets better. There is hope. That dealing with something like excessive worrying does not make you less of a mom or a bad mom. While my story and the some of the causes of anxiety are unique to past health scares, anxiety and the challenges after having a baby are very real. For perfectionists such as myself struggling and admitting that motherhood is not perfect bliss brings about shame. And in that shame so many women remain silent. Silently battling a war with ourselves in some ways because it's hard to admit that we do need help, that our days are not perfect Instagram images. That in fleeting moments we urn for our lives BC (before child) when we were independent. Because doing so, especially in such a public way, would destroy that perfect persona we try to convey. It might suggest to others we are somehow less of a mom, and we aren't as perfect as we want to be. 

This is my story. My journey through those first years of motherhood in which I did struggle but never wanted to admit it. It's ironic that when you finally find a place of acceptance with your faults, there's a part of you that finds peace. I hope that by sharing both the messy and bright spots of life with a child brings other moms some peace that perfection does not exist and that is perfectly okay.