This was a question that often danced around in my head over the past two years. This picture captures a moment in time where life was easier all the way around, especially when it came to taking time for myself. Never did I imagine that I would struggle through motherhood, particularly with my identify and self-image. The truth is, I've struggled a lot. And it's taken me almost 2 years to accept a new normal.
This particular post is about accepting my new body and exercise. I exercised and ate well throughout my whole pregnancy. I lifted weights, went to barre and yoga and took spin classes where I could compete (and beat) my husband. I was holding planks and doing ab work until I delivered. In my mind, I was going to bounce back to my old-self in no time.
Well that didn't happen. There was a baby who wasn't easy and cried A LOT and at some point I had to stop breast feeding, went back to work full-time, bought a house and moved and barely slept all withing the course of 5 months. Needless to say finding my pre-pregnancy body did NOT go as I intended. I was lucky if I could catch some shut eye. And I was REALLY hard on myself for not being what I had envisioned, for not being the person that is pictured here. When I started to make some real headway and progress, I suffered a setback. I was back in the hospital for a mini-stroke. I totally sidelined the pilates work that I was going, doctors orders. New medication that I was prescribed caused me to gain a bunch of weight. I won't lie, it sucked.
In my mind, I was searching for my body before baby, in all actuality, I was also mourning the loss of time I could dedicated to myself. It wasn't as easy and simple to jump back into my old ways of staying in shape--and the thought of having a stroke again scared me.
What I have come to realize is that I need to find small ways to make changes that are gentle and manageable in order to accomplish my goals of exercise. It was in this process that I started to see a shift in myself. I am no longer trying to get my "pre-baby" body back. Just as I cannot have my pre-baby life back. I am trying to find my NEW self and really just be comfortable with standing in the place I am now. That means, I will never be the person in the picture and trying to obtain that is impossible. I will be better. And the ways in which I define personal success, even in health are different, and that is okay.
- Instead of setting a goal and charging full-speed ahead, my rate of change needs to adjust. I was trying to run a marathon without any training. And when I was not meeting my target I was being really hard on myself. With this mindset, of course I am going to fail. My time is a very precious resource these days, one that I must spread among many responsibilities and joys. By looking at things through this lens I have actually been able to find consistency and daresay--JOY in working out.
- My new plan, that I have actually been sticking to, is much simpler. My goal has been to move my body 2 days during the workweek and 1 day during the weekend. This has allowed my schedule to be more flexible. I am not held to a specific class time that if I miss throws off my whole schedule. Also, it helps me to take some dedicated time for myself during the busy workweek.
- I have also found that I really need to workout in the morning. As much as getting up earlier to walk the dog before going to the gym stinks, there is nothing else in the day (like excuses or unexpected events) to disrupt my workout time.
I am happy to report that I have been keeping with this for 3 weeks now, with the exception of this week when I decide to write about it. Ironic no? This week I have been sick, and I could tell my body needed rest. So I have done just that--that way I can jump back on the horse this weekend and keep the momentum going without letting something derail me.
Our journeys are personal. What may have worked in the past or for a friend, might not work for you. That's okay. Forgive yourself and find another way that DOES work for you. I know that at some point I will be ready for more. But for right now this is the perfect pace for me.
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